Single And Happy? Ya Don't Say?

It doesn't take much to find an article or two (or three, or four, or five, or six, etc) discussing the relationship plights of Black Women in the United States. The media, along with relationship 'gurus', books, blogs, and oftentimes other Black People, will spare no expense when it comes to informing us of just how uncoupled we are as compared to everyone else, and what we should do in order to make things better. We're instructed to "Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man", be less 'independent', lower our standards in terms of financial or educational requirements, open ourselves up to interracial relationships[which is fine I might add]... and the tiresome list goes on.

Some weeks ago, I listened to a talk show featured on YouTube discussing the negative attitudes of black women, and the rampant promiscuity that the "vast majority" of us partake in. The host insisted that these are the contributing factors to our singleness. I  need to mention that when I learned about the show, I'd just finished reading Ralph Richard Banks' "Is Marriage For White People?" To say the least, Professor Banks' conclusions regarding our singleness were quite different, and steeped in measurable data. So--I emailed this [host]guy. Unfortunately, my request for empirical evidence to support the claims he made was met with a response (and what would go on to be a series of responses) that had naught to do with the original question. Bummer.

Let me be honest...I didn't respect the man for his intellect, or his advice, and it showed in my e-mails. Initially, I thought that was the reason why he opted to describe me as "miserable" but I think there's something else.  Granted,  the only thing more frightening than the Angry Black Woman is The Angry Black Woman who's looking for answers, I think it's fair to assume that beliefs like these stem from more than fear or irritation.  He went on to ask, "Do you think this is the first email like this ive gotten from a miserable, lonely, single, successful black woman???" Yes, he put three question marks. I don't want to go too deeply into the emails between me and 'Talk Show Host Guy' as that is not the point of this entry, however, it is very important for me to inform you of two things: 

1. According to this a**hat, "Nobody wants to be single." 
2. When I  asked him if he truly believes that statement, I got no response.

 This definitely got me to thinking about the social disparities regarding uncoupled Black Women.  I can't help but wonder, why do so many people on the outside think that being a single Black Women is something to be sad and/or ashamed about? Why is being married, or in a relationship considered to be a badge of honor? We've all heard the "See, that's why you single" and "That's why you ain't got a man" comments, we know these comments are designed to hurt, and often do...but why?

I wish I had the answer to these questions, I really do. On the other hand, what I do have are the things that contribute to my happiness

My friends keep me grounded and confident in the fact that everything is as it should be. They are not a single gal's support system; rather, they are living proof of how great I am. I mean--why else would such wonderful people bless me with their presence? I would encourage Sisters to cultivate relationships with their friends, not as a place holder, but as a necessary ingredient to a happy life, if having friends is your thing. It's definitely mine.

My dreams keep me motivated. There's always something to work towards. Every now and then, it's nice to look at pictures, plaques, certificates, messages, or whatevers, just to remind oneself of all the 'awesomeness' to be found on the inside, and that the world recognizes it. 

My career is so much of who I am. It's my contribution to the world and to my race. Really and truly, it's a joy to work in a field that you love. The opportunities are endless. 

My hobbies and the things that I enjoy are also very important to me. Oftentimes, I'm looking for something else to read, finding new music, checking out indie/underground movies, or learning about a country that I desire to travel to and then proceed to visit it. My 4Square friends will attest to my restaurant addictions and unquenchable desire  to explore new stuff. 

Earlier this year I established my "Princess Lena Days" when I dedicate an entire day to my pleasure and self care. I'll indulge in massages, buying books, yoga, meditation, driving aimlessly, perfume purchases, church, salon time etc. I'm not saying that this is only for single women, that'd be stupid. I'm saying, that being a Black bachelorette is nothing to lament...not when you have so much going for you. Now, if your income doesn't allot for this kinda thing, screw it, true friends don't cost anything and neither does self-love. If I had to chose, all that other stuff can kick rocks. 

I'm no advice columnist and I know what works for one doesn't work for all, but I think that when Voltaire said, "Let us cultivate our garden" he was speaking metaphorically about seriously undertaking the process of taking care of and being satisfied with oneself. It's hard work, but the results are beautiful, and they may at any given period feed someone...including the most important person of all. You. 


Signed,

The Happy Bachelorette

P.S.

Let there be a movement dedicated to dispelling the myth of the Single Black Women as a miserable monolith--one moron at a time.

The Good Words pt 2

I worship the God of my heart's deepest secrets.
I offer Him/Her the truth that I am weak, and in need
of His/Her grace.
Would (s)He postone the making of new worlds in order
to console me? Of course (s)He would--so I ask, please, stay
with me.

Act Like A Lady: The Problem of A Fiery Womb

About a year ago, I was having a conversation with my Sister about--you guessed it--men and our relationship to them as women. For the record and out of respect for feminists/womanists, I won't address myself as such in this blog, or anymore going forward until I become wiser. I am, however, a believer that men and women should be treated equally within both the social and private sectors. Now if I'm honest with myself, I'll admit  that my form of thinking can be a little more extreme and naive when compared to that of my sisters. In some respects, you could say that my opinions were (and sometimes still are) heavily influenced by Marion Zimmer Bradley's The Mists of Avalon in which the women were the central focus and wielders of power. That's unreal in this day and age, hell, it's been unreal for a very, very long time--I digress.


I am not a feminist. Let's just say that there's "fire in my womb." Anyway, somewhere in the conversation, my sister asked me: Lena would you put out the fire in your womb if you met the 'right guy'? I'm still not really sure what that means, but maybe she's asking if I would give up my Goddess Right mentality? Would I submit? Would I follow tradition and protocol?  I'll confess that I still ponder her question even now. I'm not the most "lady-like" woman you'll ever meet. I'd sooner spit on the ground than whip my hair. I like doing my share of stuff (like spitting and swearing) that's usually only considered socially acceptable if a dude does it. Why? Because I don't see why females can't or shouldn't--I take crap from females because of it, and that always puzzles me. *shrugs* I find it very liberating to be fiery and tough, to fight for the things I want, to protect and provide, to be in control, and to HULK SMASH obstacles. But, stereotypically speaking, that's a man's 'role'.

Stereotypically speaking, my "role" is to be emotional, nurturing/caregiving, sweet, supporting and like water. But, instead of water in my womb, I've been told there's too much fire. Would I give it up?

If I met someone that had the qualities that I want in a mate would I cease with the spittin' and swearin'? Would I allow myself to be protected rather than the protector(ess)? Would I want to accept his last name? Would I tap into the feminine power to give him what he needs from his woman?

Any fool would say 'yes.' And yet, I hesitate.

To be continued...

The Good Words

I worship the God of contrasting conjunctions, my religion is a long line of 'buts', 'yets', and 'evensos'. Anything else would have destroyed my Faith.

You vs. Other People's Happiness

At the risk of being called just another "bitter, lonely, black woman" here goes something:

Over the last two years I've seen a slew of marriages, engagements, boo'd uppings, and happily unmarried shacking baby mamas and fajas [that was an Austin Powers: Goldmember  reference]. When you're apart of an organization of thousands of women, or  have a great deal of female friends, this type of thing comes with the territory as the 20's progress. I feel that we, by design, should be happy for our romantically successful sisters. What do I mean by 'design'? Well--it's my belief that whatever God(s) you subscribe to created us to be a family, and when something good happens to your family members, what do you do? You celebrate. If you're an atheist, well, evolution 'designed'(ha) us to want for the success of all humans. I got a C in science so I'm gonna leave that subject alone.

It's a beautiful thing to love and be loved...but what about the rest of us? What about those of us who turn over in our beds only to find that space empty? What about those of us bombarded with the "I love my hubby/boo/babydaddy" tweets, tags, etc? What about those of us who find comfort in Scripture and not the arms of a flesh and blood mate?

Can I have a moment to be completely human with you? Sometimes you want to be wrapped up in the arms of a man, and not in the Word. Sometimes the smell of a man is more attractive than that of the pages of a book. Gods make for strange bedfellows, don't you think?  Blasphemy? I don't know.  But God said, "it's not good for (WO)man to be alone. So what about us?

A suggestion of mine would be to be patient. Try your best to be patient. I know what you're thinking "F**k you, Lena. We've been told that before." You've been told to 'focus on you' etc. How does that help when so many others are in love around you and you go home by yourself? Perhaps that doesn't help at all. But, still, maybe you should try reminding yourself that it makes no sense to covet their happiness. Go out and seek your own. Being a bachelorette has taught me that other peoples happiness is just that. What the hell is Lena going to do with Boomquisha's happiness? Nothing.

Bachelorette life has held up an interesting mirror in front of me. Apparently it is NOT my life long ambition to be somebody's wife/mother. Yes, someday I want these things, but that is not what my heart is centered on. Being a wife and mother probably rocks super hard...but so does coming and going as you please. So does creating a life for you and just you while you have the opportunity. Goddess willing, when I do become a wife and mother and folk ask me what the hell I did before, I'll tell them that I: traveled around the Earth, chatted with holy men, walked up mountains, kissed a dude for every country in Scandanavia (the Norwegian was the best), marched for the Jena 6 and Trayvon, got a Master's and my dream job etc. That's a taste of what my happiness looks like--and I don't want yours. You looked beautiful in your wedding dress, but it's your wedding dress. Your child is beautiful, but that's your child. What's for me is for me.

Ask yourself, what does your happiness look like in the now? If it looks like a person other than the one in the mirror, perhaps you should reevaluate some things my fellow Bachelorettes.

The point of this starts at 1:30 seconds

why the name change?

Well, ever since I started blogging, I've realized that I almost never talk about books. So it seems to me that the name change is a pretty good idea[for now]. I think the change allots me the freedom to be as random and spacey as I typically am. Also, seeing as how I have so many "bad black girl" moments, methinks [who in this century uses 'methinks'?] there'll be more frequent posts for folk to take a look at. Will Bookish and Black return? Only when I've gotten more focused and figured out what I really want to do with it.

Stupid H**: Hip-Hop's Hypocrisy and the Souls of Black Girls

In typical Lena B. fashion, I'm the last [most late] person to speak on the real life issues[sarcasm] going on in the Hip-Hop world. But be that as it may, if something bothers me long enough-- I'll speak/write about it.  As we all know, there's beef going on between 90's Rap Icon L'il Kim and newly crowned Hip-Pop Princess Nicki Minaj; if you're not familiar with the beef, there's roughly 2 years worth of interviews, parodies, cartoons, and fan commentary on YouTube to help catch you up. Bottom line? They don't like each other.

I'm not the biggest fan of Hip-Hop music, in fact, I usually go from an absolute revulsion of the stuff, to giving ear to conscious and/or underground artists (See Common, Jay Electronica, MF DOOM) that I wouldn't mind having in my Ipod. So, why on Earth would a non-fan bother with some cat fight between two women who consider themselves the best? Have you heard Nicki's Stupid H** track? That was really the tipping point for me. I'm mean, wow! Completely ignoring my own feelings about the song itself in terms of delivery and skill, I wondered, what happened to the Nicki that asked a very fair question in her  Hot 97 interview: "Why in the Black Communities we gotta hate on each other...?" That was the Nicki I could respect. I tipped my hat to her in the hopes that Kim would eventually do the same. Nope.

If the goal of mainstream Hip-Hop is to be a hit-driven, money making machine, then it's clear that Nicki had won the battle. Just check out her accolades and the magazines discussing how she's made record history. So what was the point of Stupid H**?  Was it meant to be the final nail in the coffin? Or was she more negatively affected by the the opinions of a 'sore loser' than she let on? Perhaps she caved under pressure from her crew or fans to respond? Only she knows the answer to that. My stance is that the act was hypocritical. In the same interview, she stated: "You don't have to feel the need to put somebody down just to make yourself feel better." Well, Nicki, isn't that what your doing? Seems like it. Hell, I don't imagine that the biggest selling female rap artist needs to put someone down in order to get a hit song--but what do I know?

I'm curious to know what happens to a person once they're caught in the net of stardom? Perhaps it does something to their insight? It's bad enough to talk about the woman who virtually paved your way to in the music business, and it's even worse to do the exact same thing that you initially accused her of doing to you. How do you speak so eloquently about the harm we do to one another in our community, then make a song calling another woman a stupid h**? Don't we get enough of that from the guys in Hip-Hop? Don't we get enough of that every single day? Well, with over 40 million views of the official video and over 400,000 'likes', it appears that we don't. Thanks Nicki.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving Kim any kind of Girl Scout badge. The image of Nicki's decapitated head on the cover of the Black Friday mixtape makes me sick to my stomach. Surely Kim's aware of the thousands of Black women who come face to face with death and violence everyday. Even her legendary mentor Christopher Wallace said that he'd "never wish death on anyone" yet she spouts that she'll erase a persons SSN? That is not the behavior of anyone who would be a Queen.

My biggest issue overall is what both Nicki and Kim are putting into the hearts and minds of young Black girls.  Like the idea that it's cool to call your Black sister a stupid h** if she pushes you far enough. Or, the idea that in order keep your throne, someone's got to die. How do ideas like these contribute to race uplift? How can they help change the negative perception that the media's already given the world about Black women in general? It seems to me the the sentiments shared between Kim and Nicki are real, but I wonder if they've considered, regardless of record sales, whether or not this nonsense and its potential consequences are worth it? One can only hope.