Single And Happy? Ya Don't Say?

It doesn't take much to find an article or two (or three, or four, or five, or six, etc) discussing the relationship plights of Black Women in the United States. The media, along with relationship 'gurus', books, blogs, and oftentimes other Black People, will spare no expense when it comes to informing us of just how uncoupled we are as compared to everyone else, and what we should do in order to make things better. We're instructed to "Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man", be less 'independent', lower our standards in terms of financial or educational requirements, open ourselves up to interracial relationships[which is fine I might add]... and the tiresome list goes on.

Some weeks ago, I listened to a talk show featured on YouTube discussing the negative attitudes of black women, and the rampant promiscuity that the "vast majority" of us partake in. The host insisted that these are the contributing factors to our singleness. I  need to mention that when I learned about the show, I'd just finished reading Ralph Richard Banks' "Is Marriage For White People?" To say the least, Professor Banks' conclusions regarding our singleness were quite different, and steeped in measurable data. So--I emailed this [host]guy. Unfortunately, my request for empirical evidence to support the claims he made was met with a response (and what would go on to be a series of responses) that had naught to do with the original question. Bummer.

Let me be honest...I didn't respect the man for his intellect, or his advice, and it showed in my e-mails. Initially, I thought that was the reason why he opted to describe me as "miserable" but I think there's something else.  Granted,  the only thing more frightening than the Angry Black Woman is The Angry Black Woman who's looking for answers, I think it's fair to assume that beliefs like these stem from more than fear or irritation.  He went on to ask, "Do you think this is the first email like this ive gotten from a miserable, lonely, single, successful black woman???" Yes, he put three question marks. I don't want to go too deeply into the emails between me and 'Talk Show Host Guy' as that is not the point of this entry, however, it is very important for me to inform you of two things: 

1. According to this a**hat, "Nobody wants to be single." 
2. When I  asked him if he truly believes that statement, I got no response.

 This definitely got me to thinking about the social disparities regarding uncoupled Black Women.  I can't help but wonder, why do so many people on the outside think that being a single Black Women is something to be sad and/or ashamed about? Why is being married, or in a relationship considered to be a badge of honor? We've all heard the "See, that's why you single" and "That's why you ain't got a man" comments, we know these comments are designed to hurt, and often do...but why?

I wish I had the answer to these questions, I really do. On the other hand, what I do have are the things that contribute to my happiness

My friends keep me grounded and confident in the fact that everything is as it should be. They are not a single gal's support system; rather, they are living proof of how great I am. I mean--why else would such wonderful people bless me with their presence? I would encourage Sisters to cultivate relationships with their friends, not as a place holder, but as a necessary ingredient to a happy life, if having friends is your thing. It's definitely mine.

My dreams keep me motivated. There's always something to work towards. Every now and then, it's nice to look at pictures, plaques, certificates, messages, or whatevers, just to remind oneself of all the 'awesomeness' to be found on the inside, and that the world recognizes it. 

My career is so much of who I am. It's my contribution to the world and to my race. Really and truly, it's a joy to work in a field that you love. The opportunities are endless. 

My hobbies and the things that I enjoy are also very important to me. Oftentimes, I'm looking for something else to read, finding new music, checking out indie/underground movies, or learning about a country that I desire to travel to and then proceed to visit it. My 4Square friends will attest to my restaurant addictions and unquenchable desire  to explore new stuff. 

Earlier this year I established my "Princess Lena Days" when I dedicate an entire day to my pleasure and self care. I'll indulge in massages, buying books, yoga, meditation, driving aimlessly, perfume purchases, church, salon time etc. I'm not saying that this is only for single women, that'd be stupid. I'm saying, that being a Black bachelorette is nothing to lament...not when you have so much going for you. Now, if your income doesn't allot for this kinda thing, screw it, true friends don't cost anything and neither does self-love. If I had to chose, all that other stuff can kick rocks. 

I'm no advice columnist and I know what works for one doesn't work for all, but I think that when Voltaire said, "Let us cultivate our garden" he was speaking metaphorically about seriously undertaking the process of taking care of and being satisfied with oneself. It's hard work, but the results are beautiful, and they may at any given period feed someone...including the most important person of all. You. 


Signed,

The Happy Bachelorette

P.S.

Let there be a movement dedicated to dispelling the myth of the Single Black Women as a miserable monolith--one moron at a time.